2014: The Year That Was.

It probably seems like I'm two weeks too late in publishing a new year post, but it took me a while to come to terms with certain changes that 2014 left behind.
Looking back, I don't see a gasping turn of events in the last one year that made me a new person. Sure there were ups and downs and twists and turns, but you don't need to go through an entire year to face those. Yet, the year left a different person behind, be it for better or for worse, but different. The plot would sometimes be subtle as a brick and other times it'd pass by like a stranger on the subway. But it was sure to leave behind imprints. 

For the first time in twenty years (gosh, am I that old already?) I made a resolution. A rather typical and painfully common one. Yes, you guessed it right. I bought myself that overpriced gym membership in the first week of January. I further went on to buy new shoes, gym gear, hair bands and just about anything that's even remotely relatable to a gym. I was a regular for the initial two months until one day I was too bored to haul myself and walk two blocks to get there. Then on, it was a ride downhill. One excuse followed another and one kilogram followed another.
Eventually, I never made it to the halls of the gym again.
Yet, like fate would have it, I ended up losing almost eight kgs of my net weight to a summer internship I took up at the other end of the city. Purpose served? Well, almost.

You know how 'letting go' is such a big deal? How so much significance is put in two basic words? Hell, I wrote an entire blogpost about it a few months ago. Earlier last year, I got to a breaking point in life where everything just wouldn't add up. The math was wrong and it was all an unresolved mess. I was brought to accept that cutting some ties was the only way ahead. After all, if you continue to re-read your last chapter, you'll never finish the story. The bibliophile in me wouldn't rest until I turned the page and started the chapter that was long overdue. So I did. I let go. And although it felt like taking a dagger to the heart, I felt lighter and happier at the end of the wrecking process. Letting go was easier than I thought and much better than I had hoped it'd feel.


On September 28th, 2014 I got my first tattoo. I'll be honest, I was terrified by the idea of having a needle pierce my skin a few hundred times a minute, but it was thrilling. I've always wanted to get a tattoo and a lot of thought, precision and long hours went into the making of my first. It says: "Forever and Always", for I refuse to believe that a love of any sort can come with an expiry. I believe in an eternity and I believe in a Forever. I always will.

The biggest change that gripped me this year was my change of heart towards pets. 
I was only seven years old when a stray chased me around the compound of my society and threw itself onto my tiny self. It was probably his way of showing affection but I was too young, too naive to understand that. I maintained as much distance from pets of any sort since then... until this year. In the last leg of 2014, someone who means a lot to me suddenly decided he wanted a furry companion. I was traumatized at the thought of having a creature around me more often than not. Over time, I grew extremely fond of those tiny paws and the sheer innocence in those eyes. I'm proud to be not just dog friendly, but a dog lover anymore!

It really is funny how nothing seemed different as the year wore out, but today when I look back, everything seems to have changed. It wasn't one but a series of events that made me the person I am today. Twists and turns aren't always welcome, and they'll rub you in the wrong way more often than not. But accepting the change is the only way to get on with life, so why not do it with a smile?

This is me, one year later.
Still dented in some places. Still scarred from old wounds. Still weighing my pros and cons before every small decision. Still dramatic. Still hyper emotional.
Still the same, but one year older.
Still me.

The Last Chapter

"But I can't. Don't you get it? I can't. I just cannot."

"Write it. Do you trust me? Just do it. Write it."

His tone was oddly fierce and cajoling if that was even possible.

She had been stuck on the last chapter for a year now. Hitting the delete button had become more of a habit than a necessity. Nothing seemed good enough anymore. All the serenity in the world hadn't contributed to that one last chapter. Three hundred and six pages later, one chapter seemed like a child's play. But my oh my, wasn't it the hardest thing to do right now.

He had been supportive, even encouraging throughout her journey. From pulling all nighters to brainstorming, he'd been there through it all. He had borne the wrath of the worst of her mood swings and been pleasantly surprised to find the otherwise frazzled and focused woman unwind with a glass wine and the crass music that she enjoyed so dearly.

She had always dreamed of this day. Running a finger over her words in print had always been the dream. To finally see the heaps of papers strewn across the room be bound and propped in shelves in book hubs had been the day she wanted to live to see. 'One day', she had always told herself. One day I will make it there. And that day was today. 

It was here. 

Why were her footsteps so uncertain now? Why did her fingers shake as she took to the typewriter? Why was her mind dragging her in ten inconspicuous directions when all she wanted to do was finish that one last chapter?

The answer lay in her final question.

Flashbacks had become a constant now. Her otherwise flawed memory had recorded that day as flawlessly as ever. The day she broke down, one last time. That day, that precise minute when everything seemed like a conspiracy closing in on her. She could still feel how the end had choked her up to the extent where she still had nightmares of being gagged by a shadow. A ghost of her past.

The first nine chapters had been fuelled by the anguish, the emptiness and the emotional inability to cope with life. When her words started filling up the hollow back hole that her past had left behind, she started to heal. Life wasn't just tolerable anymore, it was pleasant. Might even dare to call it happy every once in a while.

The spirit that she had now developed resembled that of a cripple who had defied every prediction of never being able to be the same again. She had done it, normalcy was just a few footsteps away now.

All she had to do was to reach out. Reach out to the world and be a part of them again, and then they would finally stop looking at her with pity. How she hated that. Pity. What an ugly emotion to be subjected to.

It had taken her just five months to cut through nine long chapters. But now? It was draining out. The hurt, the inaccessibility, the pain. Her wounds were healing. The catastrophe had struck, done the damage and was now slowly but steadily seeping out of her system.

She had started smiling more often. Gaps were bridging. Reality had finally manoeuvred across her dreams.

 And now, one year later, she was still struggling with the last chapter. She needed one striking tragedy to get her through the end. Such was the hypocrisy of fate. Happiness had now become her worst enemy. 

It pained him to see her struggle to ward off happiness. He'd promised her he'd do everything to keep those tears from spilling again, but his promises were becoming her worst enemy. He loved her like no man could love another woman, and thus, he smiled. He smiled as he wrote the last line of a what could possibly be the last letter. His jaw clenched and his temple throbbed, but he remained undeterred. He took one last look at her, and his lip trembled as he took his first step away from her.

She awoke the next morning to a ruthless letter haphazardly written about how he had found something better and that he had to answer his calling. The stains on the otherwise merciless tone of the words gave it away and she smiled in remorse.

He had given her what she needed and more. A tragedy brought upon by a seamless ocean of love. 

And thus took form, the beginning of the last chapter.